


And hushed my deepest grief of all/When filled with tears that cannot fall

by glorious_clio



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-06-01 03:11:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6498565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glorious_clio/pseuds/glorious_clio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A companion piece to "In twisted braids of lilies knitting/The loose train of thy amber-dropping hair" (though not necessary to read first), and an explanation to Leia's (relatively) short hair in the Force Awakens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And hushed my deepest grief of all/When filled with tears that cannot fall

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Severn, the River" this time by Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

The reports don’t make sense at first.

Which is ridiculous, because if anyone could read a report, it’s Leia Organa, in several languages, sometimes in her sleep.  But this one doesn’t make sense, or really, she wants it to not make sense.  She’s been jittery and off center all day, and now she knows why but she still can’t seem to process it.

But Luke signed it. And the Force told her it was true.  

Her son had turned to the dark side, seduced, by _Supreme Leader Snoke_ and Leia wanted to tear everything apart, everything she had worked so hard to build.  

The tabloids had called Ben the last prince of Alderaan when he was born.  She brought him to meetings curled up against her breasts in his sling.  She tried to teach him the ways of the Force that she knew, about control and about negotiation and empathy and using it to heal.  Han had taught him to fly and to be free, and then Luke knew he needed more and her baby had wanted to go with his weird but cool uncle, learn the ways of the Force.

If he had stayed with her, would this have happened?

She wanted to tear the Galaxy apart, tear _Snoke_ apart, and rip the dark from her son’s soul... _you can_ , some evil part of her whispered.   _You are powerful in the Force, you can tear the Galaxy apart to piece your family back together._

No. That hadn’t gotten Anakin Skywalker anywhere, she told this voice very, very firmly.  The violence of her thoughts doesn’t take her by surprise, but she won’t listen to it.

 _You can_ it said, more quietly this time.  

I know, she thought. I know I could, and I won’t.

She’d have to tell Han. He should hear it from her, that their son, _their son_ , had followed the dark side, and had dragged all but one of his classmates to the dark side with him.   _The Knights of Ren._  What did that even mean?

All these thoughts hit her in the span of a minute, maybe ninety seconds.  

Everyone in the command center was staring at her face, which had gone very white, very fast.

Leia said nothing.  Han, she had to find Han.  

She turned on her heel and marched not to their apartment, but to the _Falcon_.  

He wasn’t there (gone with Chewie, who knew where) when she boarded the old ship, and she found herself alone with her grief and her rage. The last time she felt like this, she had just been rescued from the Death Star, from the hands of the legacy Ben -Kylo Ren? was now following.

She swore and found a mirror and a pair of sheers.  A million years ago, when she lost Alderaan, she was tempted, in her grief, to cut off all her hair, her living link to the planet she was raised on, a drastic, dramatic gesture of grief on her planet, but she had kept it growing, for she was still alive with a rebellion to lead. And now, now, now....  She stopped thinking.  

It didn’t take long. It was even easy after the first cut.  A lifetime of hair surrounded her on the floor, impossibly long and brown and thick and heavy.  Her hair, now cut to her ears, uneven and choppy, made her look alien and unrecognizable in the mirror.  

And Leia cried for her loss.  


End file.
